"Maplewood has acquired a bit of a reputation," explained Councilmember Will Rossbach, "and I thought that we all needed professional help. I know I do!"

Using a profile approved by the city council, the P.O.O.R. Group sought candidates on a nation-wide and eventually cross-species basis. Out of a pool of 48 to 53,147 initial applicants (depending on whether you count colonies of social insects as individual specimens or as collective hive-minds), the P.O.O.R. Group recommended twelve semifinalists for the council to consider. After weeks of debate and many candidate withdrawals, there remained three finalists to be interviewed by the council itself.

"It's true that the candidates were all remarkably non-verbal, but like any Maplewood meeting, these interviews were mostly an opportunity for the mayor and council to hear themselves talk and roll their eyes at each other," explained Acting City Manager Chuck Ahl.

Citizen and employee interview panels agreed that the badger candidate was not a good fit, but both panels were divided in preference between Mr. Wiggles, a gentle opossum native to southern Minnesota, and Scooter, the wallaby whose career path began on the other side of the Pacific Ocean.

After Mr. Wiggles withdrew from consideration, Rossbach announced that he would join Hjelle, Councilmember John Nephew, and Mayor Diana Longrie in supporting Scooter. "This is a chance for the city council to come together," he explained, "and I'm really hoping for a group hug."

The lone dissenting vote was Councilmember Kathleen Juenemann. "I want to make it clear that I have no problem with Scooter. I'm sure he'll make a fine city manager. Certainly better than the last guy." She explained that her objections were with the process and the P.O.O.R. Group performance. "I just don't feel like it was a good process, basically just sticking a salt lick out behind city hall and taking applications from whatever it happened to attract."

Community Reception

Mayor Diana Longrie expressed her disappointment that the finalist did not survive his final evaluation. "I really felt that Scooter demonstrated the customer service focus that our search profile said we were looking for."

Sipping an appletini, Nephew described his feelings about wallabies. "They're small, furry, and as marsupials they rely on their mothers long after birth. I felt like I had a lot in common with this candidate. I'm pretty torn up about losing him." He added, "I just want to make sure everyone knows it's Erik's fault," before returning to the line for wallaby burgers.

"Maplewood city government is a dog-eat-dog world," said Councilmember Hjelle, pausing to belch. "Or man-eat-wallaby, in this particular case. The candidate knew what he was getting into when he submitted his application."

Resident Comments

Police were eventually called in. When tear gas was mistaken for visible wood smoke, additional residents and law enforcement agencies entered the fray. The resulting mob grew out of control, headed east into North Saint Paul, and burned the entire neighboring city to the ground before the National Guard could be mobilized to disperse it. "I guess I should stop worrying about the closure of Sterling now," observed resident Fanny Aasberg.

"It's just another day in Maplewood," said Mayor Longrie, putting a cheerful spin on the riot. "This civil disorder and wanton destruction of our neighbors actually demonstrates Maplewood's commitment to citizen engagement and government openness, which are the themes of my reelection campaign."

Knut Derrickson can be reached at Knut.Derrickson@LOLlieNews.com.